Conscious dating & mating

Part 1 February 3

I am one of the many boomers who, after decades married, find myself single in my sixties. It’s kind of thrilling. You never know when you might meet someone and take another run at a romantic relationship – this time after decades of hard-won life wisdom and spiritual searching. After three years that included several courtships and one romance, I’m learning a few things but not yet quite enough to have created a new-paradigm, love-based union that I intend to. I may be close. Time will tell. As a writer, I think writing about it might shorten the time frame.

Here’s a few things I have learned.

In the last four decades, we have developed love-based, new-paradigm alternatives – or embraced ancient ones – in almost every area of our lives (solar, wind, holistic health, organic foods, natural childbirth, hospice, women and gay rights movements, validation of many spiritual paths, self-help, yoga, meditation, conscious music that “downloads the instructions,” etc.). However, the last frontier seems to be in our romantic unions. This is understandable as we are seeking to create a non-codependent, love-based love relationship. It ain’t easy!

Certain people have been called to bring forward clear, life-sustaining alternatives in many areas so that we might birth this new age of love and spirituality and create the Heaven on Earth that is possible. Just as the people who pioneered solar, holistic health, organic gardening, etc. are the ones who had – by their nature – a compelling draw and attraction to that area of life, so, too, are the pioneers of new-paradigm unions those who have always had an inner calling to express love in every area of their lives. They will be the “givers,” the emotional healers, the “lovers.” They are the ones for whom the giving and receiving of love – in its myriad of forms – was always one, if not “the,” top priority in their lives.

In the past, those who remember life is “for giving” often got deeply involved with those whom viewed life as “for getting.” Many of these people, these “awakened givers,” out of their healthy desire to love as well as their own unhealed insecurities and fears, have chosen to get involved with people who had a need to be loved but often difficulty in giving and expressing love – “sleeping givers”. Usually, these unions have been frustrating and painful. Since unlike other areas, this effort takes two people, I am beginning to believe that this vital work of forming – finally – true love-based, spiritual unions is best accomplished if both are “awakened givers.” (This reasoning to be continued and posted on my FB page on my website under “Posts.”)

Part 2 February 4
Conscious Dating & Mating

When I was younger, I founded a non-profit in Berkeley, The Owner Builder Center, that taught people how to design, build and remodel their own homes. We held nightly classes from Marin to Santa Cruz and summer house building camp in the Sierra Nevada Mountains. I was teaching what I was learning – building passive solar energy-efficient homes. Since then I have produced a series for PBS, written books on expressing unconditional love in our marriages and worklives (In the Spirit of Marriage and In the Spirit of Business) and books with Rasta Elders (Rasta Heart), Hopi and Havasupai Elders (The Beauty Path), and Mayan Elders (2012: The Transformation from the Love of Power to the Power of Love). Basically, I teach what I am learning as I am learning it. The teaching and learning support and enhance each other.

So now what I am learning is how to we create truly conscious mated unions – unions that help us stay awake and free ourselves from the many ego delusions while at the same time providing us with the healthy human needs for affection, companionship,  and love. This is a wonderful challenge but a demanding one as there are few examples to refer to and even the few authors who are also writing on the subject have – like me – yet to create such a blessed union in there own lives. I plan to continue to write about my journey though the destination is still unclear and even once arrived at will present a new series of challenges.

My efforts in this area are both internal and external. Internal in that I have to be willing to explore all the fears, insecurities and attachments that are within me that might block a clear union – and there are a few and they are more well-entrenched than I had previously thought. And then there is the “lab” part of this challenge – the interaction with the different women brought into my life to share and grow with – to assist me in revealing these fears, insecurities and attachments. Though it might be thought that this is the “fun” part of the effort – and sometimes it is – it can veer into pain for one or both of us as it becomes clear that we were brought intensely together for only a brief period – to learn from each other, to love each other, to become friends but not mates.

Like all of us, I don’t like the pain inherent in this challenge but what great challenge doesn’t involve pain. If it didn’t, it wouldn’t be a challenge. Some challenges offer financial, mental and/or physical pain. In this challenge, it’s all mental and emotional. However, it’s the only way. In every area of our lives, it is our fears and attachments that block our Creator’s gifts to us. I believe that our Creator wants us to have a loving mated relationship or She would not have instilled an almost Universal desire to have one in Her children. The fact that there have been so few expressing during this “dream of separation” is not because it is impossible to create but we are blocking its creation as we continue our noble but difficult struggle to awaken from this dream. (to be continued)

Part 3 February 16
Conscious Dating & Mating

I think it will be very difficult to create a new-paradigm, love-based romantic partnership unless BOTH people have successfully interpreted their past relationships. If either partner is still unwilling to realize and embrace that every relationship in our life is a blessing to help in our spiritual growth, then most likely they will still be wedded to old-paradigm thinking and relationships. If they view one, a few or many of their past romantic unions as random bad luck or as a punishment for their or another’s flaws or misdeeds, or if they believe themselves to be a victim of another, then they might not yet be ready to create a love-based union.

I think we need to view all past attempts in this area of our lives, no matter how painful or messy, as holding yet another piece of the puzzle, another opportunity to ask ourselves “Why did I create this in my life? What unhealed part of myself was needing to be healed?”  In many relationships in our lives, in a blood family and even in our workplace relationships, it is not immediate clear that we have chosen them, that we have created them. We seem to have inherited them – – for better or for worse – with no conscious choosing on our part. But even in these relationships, our soul chose them before our incarnating.

However, there is no escaping the truth that in our romantic life we have made a conscious choice to get involved with certain people. This choice is complex, stemming from our inner psyche – both the healed and unhealed parts. We do not have judge ourselves for having created such pain in the past but rather to understand that we are given unlimited opportunities to reveal our own fears, insecurities and attachments so that we might understand them and free ourselves from them and create the more lovingly, peaceful and connected unions we have all sought.

Often this involves understanding our feelings of unworthiness, that we should always give love but only hope for – and not expect – love in return. In creating a new-paradigm union, both partners need to be able to BOTH give and receive love. If it is a one-way street, it’s still the old-paradigm.



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